My Thoughts

The past few days have been difficult. I have pretty severe strep throat, and the boys and I now all have "pink eye". Yesterday was especially tough. Tristan felt miserable, as you can tell from this picture I took of him yesterday morning...

I thought about taking a picture of myself, too, to show you how miserable I am. I decided against it though, because I don't want to scare you all away from my blog. :-)

Anyway, yesterday was tough. I felt so sick, and I hadn't slept well, so I was really tired too. Being sick and exhausted and stuck in the house for days makes me cranky! Tristan was cranky too, so we spent the whole day butting heads. By yesterday afternoon, all I wanted was a nap. I mean, I desperately wanted a nap. I finally got Logan down for his nap, and asked Tristan to please play quietly so I could catch a small nap on the couch. Hah! No chance! I finally called my mom at 4:00, on the verge of tears, and begged her to come over to help me out. She got here about 4:30 (thank you, thank you, thank you, Mom!!) A little while later, I escaped to the bathroom, ran a hot bath, then lay there for a long time just praying. My prayer went something like this...

"God, why can't Tristan just obey? Why does he have to continually test me? Why do I have to tell him the same things over and over again? He knows that there will be consequences when he disobeys, and he knows he won't like them. I only want what's best for him. Can't he understand that? Sometimes he just drives me crazy!"

And then I heard His voice. No, it wasn't audible. But it was clear, just the same. "Jana, my child. Tristan is only 3 years old. You are 34." The message was clear. Wow! God really knows how to humble me. I whine & complain about my 3-year-old not acting right, when I do little better myself. I know how much God loves me. I know He wants what's best for me. I know I can trust Him and His plan for my life. He's proven that over and over again. So what's the problem? Why can't I just consistently obey Him?

I'm reading a novel by Janette Oke right now, and came across something this morning that really made me think....

Erin, the teenage daughter, asks her father, "If God can heal blind people and make the winds stop and all that, why does He let bad things happen to us?" Her father gives a very long answer, ending with, "But sometimes, it isn't about us at all. It's because someone else needs to see God at work. In our lives. How He helps us to handle difficult things. That is one of the marks of a Christian and is often the reason that another person realizes God is who He claims to be. When we have a strength that isn't our own to draw on - a peace even in the bad times - it's a wonderful testimony to others of what God can do for those who love Him."

So what is my witness? Do others see me handling difficult times with grace and faith? Do they see me relaxed, because I know that God is in control, and I trust Him? Or do they see me frustrated, angry, scared, and confused? Does my life turn people towards God, or away from Him? I'm scared to know the answer.

Thank you, God, for your perfect love. Please help me learn to relax in your arms, trusting that you only want the best for me.